Much progress has been made. I’ve been hospitalized since the last post for a major depressive state. I tried to kill myself by overdose and wound up at the Douglas Institute for just under a month under supervision to make sure  I wouldn’t do it again… Which I did just a few weeks ago. They didn’t keep me this time but I’m doing way better. Since January, I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and we’ve been talking about my issues, so I’m making some great progress. Discussing problems… Finding the source of some deep-rooted issues… Figuring myself out and all that good stuff.

I’m at my mother’s work writing this now, out of pure boredom. I’m glad I chose to do this though, as I haven’t updated in forever.  Well, Joel and I had broken up in the time between my last post and this one and we just recently started talking again. He’s coming to see me this weekend, which I must say I’m really excited for, minus the fact that I’ve gain a significant amount of weight. I’m sure he’ll accept me for who I am, regardless of the weight… Or at least I hope he will.

My relationship with my parents has changed significantly. Nobody can deny that my parents are my world right now. They now know that I drink and that I smoke cigarettes. They have yet to know about the weed and other drug use, however I’m working on cutting that out. They stuck by my side through each suicide attempt and made themselves sick just to keep me sane while I was hospitalized. I love them dearly, and never want to do anything to hurt them again, so I’m doing my best to stay alive not only for me, but also for them. My friends, on the other hand… are a whole other story. Right now, I’m almost on my own. I just can’t be around people who suck my energy on the regular and are only there for me when it’s most convenient to them.  It’s not healthy, so a lot of people have been demoted to acquaintances, I’ll be okay though.  It’s just a matter of feeling independent again and happy in my own skin.  That’s my goal. To be happy with me and love me and okay just me. I’ll get there. I’ve been there before.

I’m remaining hopeful and so glad my psychiatrist is kind enough to talk me through some things because if I hadn’t been working on my issues all this time… I really have no idea if I’d still be around or not and that kind of scares me.

I’m going to read over my old posts and just see what else has progressed since it was written…

whatever i’m too lazy lol

I can’t NOT talk to him and it’s killing me… Why is it that if I’m hurting, he pushes me to talk to him and then we’re good and I’m not mad anymore but when he gets hurt he can pull away and gets mad if I don’t give him his space? It’s not fucking fair I fucking hate this. And I can’t even bring it up with him now because he gets so sensitive when he’s hurt and everything I do just hurts him more. It’s like i have to sit and sob alone until he feels better. This entire fucking relationship is working on his time and I can’t let go of him. He has me wrapped around his fucking finger and the worst part is I know it…

Everything hurts when I think about this. I don’t even know which emotion I feel the most… None of them are good… I hate that he has this power over me. It’s not fair…. Ugh.

I was talking to Tara today about a bunch of stuff and kind of figured out my potential path. I really need to get a job right now to start saving for the move. My goal is to be gone in September, maybe earlier. So my plan is to move to Toronto and for about 6 months (aka the duration of the fall semester), be working and saving and getting used to the city, then going to the Aveda Institute for however long the program is.  If I’m living in Ajax, then I’ll for sure only be working for 6 months to have savings, but if I live with Corinne then I’ll probably take a year or 18 months-ish off because it’ll be harder to save while moved out… Anyway, after that going to Aveda, then they help find me a sick job, and probably 6 to 8 months after starting working there, I’ll switch to part time and go to Herzing for their Business Management program.

That’s still an uncertainty just because Aveda does incorporate some business into their program, but I would like to have a straight business education on my resume rather than business in the esthetics field… Makes sense, no? Either way I’m taking a chance and going into the field my family doesn’t want me to because it’s not always the best pay. Eff that, I’m a thrifty motherfucker so I’ll be okay

I’m also writing a book. Just the thought of doing this makes me feel so good. Scared a bit, since it’s going to be extremely revealing but who says I HAVE to publish it? I know that just writing these things out in complete raw honesty will feel so good, once it’s done with. It’s exhilarating, I’ve never felt this way about anything before. I kind of do want to publish it but it’ll be… Idunno. It’s going to be tough but it depends on how I feel once it’s done, so I’m not going to think about it yet. I’m officially going to start living in the now. And living for me instead of others. not in a selfish way, but enough that I don’t lose myself again because it takes a lot to get myself back on track.

Whatever. Wrote this since I haven’t updated in a while and because it feels good.

Ta.

i got bored and everything i see when i’m online looking for things is always in a blog. I was about to say “maybe it’s the cool thing to do” but it has been for a while. And i was way ahead of it back in the day – I say this as though i’m old…

I think I just need a place to spit all my thoughts out. Duh. a blog.

I’m just going to spice it up a little and get comfortable with it. Then decide which ranting to type up and post.

Ta!